It’s time once more for your annual Zodiacal — or is it Horoscopical? — predictions for the coming year. (At a point in my career I employed “upcoming” when referring to future events until one day a crusty old editor told me, “Huber, if you use upcoming one more time, I’ll be down-coming, and you’ll be out-going.”)
Anyway, I’m here today to help you sail over the speed bumps and pot holes of life’s little metaphors during the upcoming year. All you have to do is locate your birth date below, and with the help of the stars, you’ll live long and prosper in 2004, just like Mr. Spock. (Beam me up, Scotty. There’s no intelligent life down here.)
What could be simpler? (If you can’t remember your birthday, you have other problems I can’t help you with.)
• Dec. 23-Jan. 19 (Capricorn, the goat, as if your friends didn’t know) — Anyone who has been around goats knows they smell bad, are social climbers, and will eat whatever gets in the way. In other words you should take more showers, stay away from crowds who like jacked-up pickups, and buy Dr. Zeus’ New Twenty-first Century Diet Book featuring raw quail legs (low carbohydrates, soaked in brine.) See how easy this is?
• Jan. 20-Feb. 19 (Aquarius, the water carrier) — Take a gift bottle of wine to a hostess next time you’re invited out. You’ve never done that before, so try it this year. A cheap wine is acceptable, which will be in tune with your cut-rate wallet. It’s the thought that counts.
• Feb. 20-March 21 (Pisces, the fish) — A lot of Pisces start the new year kind of shaky because of New Year’s eve parties. Don’t worry. Folks will soon stop kidding you about waking up in a strange town, naked on a pool table. If they don‘t, you’ve got another problem called “Perpetulus Hangoverum,” Latin for, “You can’t save the world by draining all the liquor bottles.” Grow up.
March 22-April 20 (Aries, the ram) — Many high school athletes in these parts are born under the sign of the Ram, not to mention a few cheerleaders, clarinet players, and other hangers-on. As soon as they graduate they get born again with a different sign and find out they have to make a living at something other than sports. Rams have a tough time in life both on and off the field, but they’re good kids. I don’t care what you say.
April 21-May 21 (Taurus, the bull) — My wife Marilyn was born under this sign, and she fit the mold. Tauruses are gifted with compassion. They attract the wounded. But they also have a sharp tongue, and some guys married to Tauruses develop a habit of looking over their shoulders, wondering when the next blow is coming. That never happened to me, of course, but … Ow! Right between the eyes!
May 22-June 22 (Gemini, the twins) — Geminis have a knack of never speaking ill of anyone. That’s because they’re wishy-washy. A Gemini could get stomped, but afterward he’d say, “Yeah, but he’s a good baritone.” If you’re born under this sign, 2004 will be a good year to stay away from barber shop quartets.
June 23-July 23 (Cancer the crab) — If everyone were born under this sign, the world would be a different place. I mean, it would be more trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, and brilliant. That’s because all crabs are old Boy Scouts, and most old Boy Scouts are crabs too.
July 24-Aug. 23 (Leo, the lion) — Leos will spend most of 2004 cleaning up their personal environment. Lord knows, it needs it.
Aug. 24-Sept. 23 (Virgo, the virgin) — Virgos are sick to death of cute, little one-liners about their sign, so I won’t go into that. I’ll just say they ought to clean up their acts and get with the program.
Sept. 24-Oct. 23 (Libra, the scales) — If you’re short of money, rob a bank. It’s probably the only solution. That way you’ll get free room and board for a dozen years with all expenses paid. You can use the time to pay off your debts. Simple.
Oct. 24-Nov. 22 (Scorpio, the scorpion) — 2004 could be a bang-up year. On the other hand, it could be mired in muck. You never know about Scorpions. They’re so willy-nilly.
Nov. 23-Dec. 22 (Sagittarius, the archer) — I once had a computer program that corrected my language. When I wrote about a man named “Bowman,” it told me I should use the non-sexist term “Archer.” Ergo, Archers are not sexists. In fact — but I won’t go into that.
Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales.