I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, the brightest crayon in the box, the most luminescent lava lamp in the room, the coolest Coors Lite in the six pack, but lately, I have heard people say some pretty stupid things.
Oops, we’re not supposed to use the word “stupid.” Let’s be politically correct. They are not stupid people. They just say stupid things sometimes. We all do. But some people do a better job at it than others.
Perhaps it’s due to an I.Q. deficit. They are SAT-challenged. Intellectually deprived. They are a few fries short of a Happy Meal. One egg short of a dozen. Not the spiciest buffalo wing in the box, not the hottest enchilada, if you know what I mean.
OK, I’m getting hungry. You get what I’m saying.
Here are a few examples of “duh,” things people have said, which obviously didn’t require them to stop and think first.
Jessica Simpson, for instance, when she dizzily asked on MTV why a tuna can said “Chicken of the Sea.” Duh! Now without further delay, my blonde, brown, brunette and red-head awards, (it’s an equal-opportunity insult), go to:
• A customer at my sister Julie’s beauty shop who once asked, “How did you get that big chunk of ice inside of that water bottle?” She just happened to be blonde.
• To speakers who say, “If you can’t hear me in the back, raise your hand!” Duh! Wonder why no one ever raises their hand.
• To the person who once faxed one of my former co-workers and wrote, “If you don’t get this fax, call me!”
Now on to some random thoughts. Here are some things I’ve been wondering about. As petty as they seem, they do make one stop and ask “Why?” And they further beg the question, “How stupid do THEY think we are?”
Sometimes it’s a TV commercial, a far-sided news story or just a stroll to the vending machine that makes me wonder. Here are a few examples:
• Why do they call it “a bag of chips” when it is really only a handful of chips in a half-empty bag?
• How do bankruptcy lawyers make money from their clients? And, do bankruptcy lawyers accept Visa and Mastercard?
• Who are all of these protesters we see on TV all of the time? Do they have full-time jobs or is their job being a professional protester? And if so, how do I become one?
• Why did Polaroid go bankrupt? Didn’t company officials know they could have made more money taking photos of people and charging $20 bucks a picture, like they do at Six Flags Over Texas. It’s 20 bucks a snap with Looney Toons characters. Santa Claus uses this same profit-making tactic during Christmas time, as do many Norteño music bands who can get away with charging people to have their pictures made with them.
• Why don’t many fast-food places put tomatoes on their tacos or burgers anymore? Do they think hot sauce or ketchup is a vegetable? Are tomatoes a luxury we can no longer afford?
Finally, how does a person lose a giraffe? I saw a news report recently about a man who reported losing a giraffe. I am serious. He believes the giraffe was tranquilized and then stolen, but how does someone steal a giraffe?
I can just imagine the scenario:
Policeman: “I guess you’re wondering why I stopped you?”
Driver: “Uh, is it because of the giraffe legs hanging out of my car trunk?”
Policeman: “No, you’re going 66 in a 65-mph zone. By the way, have you seen a missing giraffe?”
Driver: “No, sir!”
Policeman: “Thank you! Have a good day!”
Helena Rodriguez is a columnist for Freedom Newspapers of New Mexico. She can be reached at