By Bob Huber
It’s time once more to glance over our shoulders at the leering dog days of summer, then consult our horoscopes. And well we should, because without astrology to get us through these hot days we’d have to rely on luck, karma, ancient curses or the judiciary, and those ploys can be risky, lawyers and voodoo queens being what they are these days.
So anyway, I’ve listed below what you can anticipate this summer depending on your birth date and what frightened your mother. All you have to do is find your Zodiac sign, sit back, and let astrology take its course.
(Note: If you don’t know your birth date or your mother won’t admit it, you can always consult a psychic, but even that won’t help much if the temperature exceeds 100 degrees and it doesn’t rain pretty soon.)
• Capricorn, Dec. 23-Jan. 29: Summers for Capricorns are filled to the brim with busy work ranging from Little League baseball to gathering rosebuds while you may. The symbol for Capricorns is the goat, and you know what goats smell like on hot days, so lay in a stock of deodorants, because you’re going to need it. Wow. Phew.
• Aquarius, Jan. 20-Feb. 19: You Aquariuses can’t wait to go swimming during the dog days, but be careful. Water has been known to drown some folks, at least it will if they fill up on margaritas before plunging in. Look out for sharks too. They bite.
• Pisces, Feb. 20-March21: Your favorite summer lyric is: “Boop, boop, dittem, downum, wantum, chew.” I don’t know why. You’re often heard humming this ditty to the point where it drives people around you crazy. Try something new this year, before everyone gets in a sweat. Don’t blame me. I’m just the messenger.
• Aries, March 22-April 20: If you’re balding, for goodness sake wear a hat. Summer sunburns will give you a headache. Your skin will peal, and you’ll look like a scroungy lobster. If you must go out without a hat, at least carry an umbrella. Don’t pay attention to what others say. It’s your head, isn’t it?
• Taurus, April 21-May 21: If you’re looking for sympathy because you were born under the sign of the bull, tough. You’re the symbol of pent-up wrath, and there’s nothing you can do about it. It might help in these hot summer days to occasionally kick something. You’ll probably like it.
• Gemini, May 22-June 22: This is the sign of the twins, which means it’s OK to stare into mirrors during summer’s dog days to see how much weight you’ve gained. If you don’t have a mirror, you can use a window glass found on most store fronts, but it’s best to dress first. Or not, depending on your summer whims.
• Cancer, June 23-July 23: It’s not uncommon to see Cancers driving madly around these hot days, singing dirty songs and tossing empty beer cans on your lawns. Don’t blame them. They were born that way. If you’re a Cancer, learn some new songs.
• Leo, July 24-Aug. 23: When you see wild lions on TV, they’re always yawning and roaring. Do you know why? It’s because they’re hot. Our advice? Get a haircut. In fact, shave your skull right down to the bone. Talk about cool. You might wear an earring too, but you’ll have some fist fights depending on who you associate with.
• Virgo, Aug. 24-Sept. 23: We’re going to ignore the symbol for Virgo this year, because, as the song goes, “It’s too damned hot!” But this is a good time to re-evaluate your relationships with the opposite sex. If you don’t have any, think about changing your birth date or something productive.
• Libra, Sept. 24-Oct. 23: There’s nothing like a good book to make you forget these hot dog days. Of course, a roaring air conditioner helps too, not to mention a little gin and tonic. As you lie in your hammock, it’s a good time to yell to your wife, “Honey, peel me a grape.” You’ll find out what hot is.
• Scorpio, Oct. 24-Nov. 22: Scorpios get mean and go around stinging folks during these hot dog days. You can either change your birth date or live with it, but if you get too frisky, you should be aware that folks like to stomp you with size 12 boots.
• Sagittarius, Nov. 23-Dec. 22: You’re a winter person who enjoys skiing, hot buttered rums, and crackling fires. You’re going to be just miserable during summer months, and you might as well get used to it. Invest in fans.
Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.