Planet Kevin worth the effort

By Kevin Wilson

I was talking with a coworker recently, regarding the Mega Millions lottery that somebody won, and I thought about Planet Kevin.
What’s Planet Kevin, you ask? Even if you didn’t ask, you’re about to find out.
But I’m getting ahead of myself … back to the lottery story. The news report said one ticket, and one ticket alone, held the winning numbers for a $290 million jackpot. My only consolation was that after taxes the prize is only about $177 million.
I thought about what I would do with that much money. I’d definitely trade in my Pontiac Sunfire and pick up a Honda Civic Hybrid, so I could get 60 miles to the gallon.
But I thought, why would I care about being fuel efficient? I’m rich! I’m buying a Hummer that gets four miles per gallon, with huge tires and solar panels on the side. They wouldn’t collect energy for any purpose, but solar panels are expensive and flashy, so of course I’d buy them.
You’ve got platinum? So what? I’ve got solar panels.
Me and my solar-Hummer would go everywhere in Portales, road or not. And if it didn’t fit in the McDonald’s drive-through? John Snowberger, you’re doing some construction, because I’m KEVIN WILSON, and I have 177 MILLION DOLLARS! And I want THREE apple pies, not two!
Back to reality: My coworker, who will remain nameless, said he’d have no idea what to do with that kind of money, but he would probably continue to work. He’d have a lot less tolerance for supervisors, but he’d still work.
I respected the thought, but realized that he would not be allowed on Planet Kevin.
You see, I was watching Comedy Central about a year ago and a comedian presented rules for Planet Charlie (Guess what his first name was). He invited everybody to live on Planet Charlie, but established a few certain rules:
• On Planet Charlie, if somebody wins the lottery and stays at their old job, their prize will be given to somebody that will enjoy it.
• On Planet Charlie, your license plate number will match your cellular phone number, so you can call people that cut you off in traffic.
• On Planet Charlie, if your child misbehaves in public and you don’t discipline him, we can.
Those are all rules for Planet Kevin as well, but let me add a few of my own.
• On Planet Kevin, restaurants are not allowed to advertise food if they are more than two hours from the viewer and/or they are closed at the time the commercial airs.
• On Planet Kevin, video store employees are encouraged to stop you from renting a bad movie. And yes, I’m talking about Cold Mountain.
• On Planet Kevin, there are no repercussions for hitting the first person on Dec. 31 who says, “I’ll see you next year.”
• On Planet Kevin, it will be destroyed from all historical records that the last acting job Marlon Brando held was a bit part in Michael Jackson’s “You Rock My World” video.
• On Planet Kevin, it is encouraged to have entire conversations made up of only lines from shows like “Seinfeld,” “The Simpsons,” “Family Guy” and “Friends.”
• On Planet Kevin, references to the television show “Friends” are to be taken as sarcasm.
• On Planet Kevin, a new television series cannot advertise in its second week by saying there is an “all-new episode.” Conversely, “greatest hits” albums will not include previously unreleased songs on Planet Kevin.
• On Planet Kevin, having your cellular phone ring in the theater is a third-degree felony, and the “vibrate setting” defense will become a staple of law offices everywhere.
• On Planet Kevin, opinion polls must always include the option, “I don’t care, why should you?”
• On Planet Kevin, it is a widely known fact that Eddie Murphy disappeared from existence in 1995, and was replaced by Chad Murphy, his long-lost twin brother with a penchant for being unfunny and making inexplicably bad choices in movie appearances.
If you’d like to hear more rules for Planet Kevin, or suggest your own, feel free to get back to me. You can even contribute money toward my cause. After all, it’s not cheap to put solar panels on a Sunfire.

Kevin Wilson is the managing editor at the Portales News-Tribune. He can be contacted at 356-4481, ext. 32, or by e-mail:
Kevin_Wilson@link.freedom.com