By Kevin Wilson
I read one of the most disturbing news items of my life on Friday.
It had nothing to do with terror alerts, racial profiling, or corner turning — you learn to adjust to those types of things. This is much different. This involves something fictional, but there are real consequences.
Pierce Brosnan announced that he’ll no longer play the role of James Bond. I’ve got no problem with Brosnan going to other endeavors, and I felt he was an adequate Bond. The disturbing news was a paragraph that mentioned possible actors to next don the tuxedo and 007 title.
And it included Hugh Grant.
My hands were shaking uncontrollably. I could rarely keep solid food down, and even then it had to be something small like grapes. Hugh Grant? I wrote a few weeks ago about how horrific it would be to see Grant as Billy the Kid, but the Bond role is not something to be handled with such measures.
Let’s do a little bit of dialogue from the next Bond movie, should Grant get the role. We’ll call it “007: Stutter Softly.” We’ll assume the Bond girl is played by Jessica Alba, because that would be about the only thing that could motivate me to see the movie.
Bond girl: I don’t believe I’ve had the pleasure, Mr…..
Bond: The pleasure? Oh, well, there’s quite a deal of pleasure we could discuss, but that’s for another day.
(Bond girl gives a blank stare)
Bond: But what you originally meant to discuss was my name, which I can certainly give you. I seem to be out of business cards, though, so a simple handshake will have to take care of us for now (laughs). But Bond, that is the name. Yes, Bond.
Bond girl: Bond?
Bond: Yes, Bond. Bond, indeed.
(Awkward pause, as each stares off in a different direction.)
Bond girl: Where’s the minibar?
Bond: (shouting as she leaves) It’s James! James Bond!
And there you have it. Now imagine two hours of this, and you can understand why this would upset me.
There are some fictional characters that should be protected. Most of my favorites are safe, though. Matt Damon seems entrenched in the Jason Bourne role. The Frank Pembleton character from “Homicide: Life on the Street” is still one of my favorite, though I admit it took a shot when a heavier, grey-haired Andre Braugher took a role as a detective on the CBS series “Hack.”
I doubt that I’ve got anything to worry about — Grant was one of about 10 names mentioned. Maybe somebody with some power will see this and keep my nightmare from coming true.
Now if somebody in Hollywood does something dumb like give the Chucky doll a son? I can’t do anything about that one.
Kevin Wilson is the managing editor of the Portales News-Tribune. He can be reached at 356-4481, ext. 33 or by e-mail: