By Bob Huber
If you want to get deep into religion, find a Texan. They even think Moses was a Texan. As proof they point to a wall in the Cross Trails Church in Fairlie, Texas, which contains the King Ranch version of the 10 Commandments. It reads:
• There’s just one God.
• Honor your Ma and Pa.
• Don’t gossip or tell tall tales.
• Show up for Sunday prayer meetin’s.
• Put nothin’ before God.
• Don’t mess with another fella’s gal.
• No killin’.
• Watch your mouth.
• Don’t take what ain’t yours.
• Don’t be hankerin’ for your partner’s stuff.
As you can see, Texans don’t beat around the burning bush. They take their beliefs seriously, and they interpret the Bible their own way too, such as:
• Oh sure, it’ll come to pass some day that the lamb will lie down with the lion, but I guarantee that lamb won’t get much sleep.
• When I was a kid, I prayed every night for a horse. When nothin’ happened, I figured the Lord don’t work that way, so I just stole one and asked forgiveness.
• There ain’t no atheist on the back of a Brahma bull.
• I’d like to see just one miracle, like a burnin’ bush or a Red Sea splittin’ or Billy Joe Bonham buyin’ someone a drink.
• God created man, then woman, but the cowboy created hisself.
• Jesus was born on a bank holiday and died on a bank holiday. I keep track of bank holidays, because I reckon when he returns, it’ll be on one of them.
• I don’t pray much. I figure it’s better God don’t know where I’m at.
• My wife got me into religion. Until I married, I never believed in hell.
• I don’t go to church no more. Kneelin’ puts my feet to sleep.
• I wanted to be one of them atheists ‘till I found out they don’t have holidays.
• The Bible says to love both neighbors and enemies. That’s probably because they’re generally the same folks.
• You get into heaven by tellin’ what you did that was good. If you got there by what you really did, you’d stay out and your horse would get in.
• A cowboy is a God-fearin’ fella who avoids temptation, unless he can’t resist it.
• You wanna make God laugh? Tell him you can hold your liquor.
• If only God would give me a clear sign, like an oil well in downtown Dallas.
• If you talk to God, you’re praying. If God talks back to you, you got on the wrong jacket.
• Know why they only served bread and wine at the Last Supper? It was because no woman was around to organize things.
• It ain’t those parts of the Bible I don’t understand that bother me. It’s the parts I
• If we’re here on Earth to help others, what are the others here for?
• A guy’s conscience gets a lot of credit that belongs to cold feet.
• A conscience don’t keep you from doin’ somethin’, but it sure keeps you from enjoyin’ it.
• I figure conscience is that little voice that warns us somebody might be lookin’.
• I don’t see why old-time religion and modern ranchin’ can’t get along. What’s wrong with keeping track of cows you steal on a computer?
• The other night while watchin’ “Walker, Texas Ranger,” I had a deeply religious experience.
• You know you’re in a tough town when you see graffiti on the walls of the confessional.
Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.