By Kevin Wilson
My friends — what can I say about them that hasn’t already been said? I’ve got a collection of friends with the most enjoyable quirks, the kindest dispositions and willingness to help out at all times.
Of course, they have their weaker moments as well, like when they wrongfully accuse me of something. I was in the company of a few friends recently when I told one girl how much I enjoyed having a conversation with her.
She replied, “Of course you do. All you do is talk about yourself.” It was followed up with a smile, so I knew it was in jest.
(At this point it should be mentioned that nothing was said in return about how SHE always talks about herself. Whenever we’re around each other, you should hear the things that come from her. “I don’t mind paying for lunch this time.” Or, “You don’t have to get me anything for Christmas.” I, I, I. Me, me, me.)
Her smile also meant the statement was made in blissful ignorance. You see, I do have a tendency to talk about myself in certain places, like this column. You’ve probably noticed me talking about the DVDs I buy, the trips I make to visit friends, my phone calls to even more distant friends.
I’ve told people all along that the column doesn’t work if it’s me talking about national issues, instead of me talking about things that happen in our daily lives. That’s a lie, too.
I’m about to tell you the reason you hear so much about me. I’m writing these Kevin columns as a way to provide evidence come every April 15. My friends and readers, I am planning to write off my entire life as a work expense.
Daring, you say? Genius, even? I’d tend to refer to it as greedy. The more I can refer to the things I do in each column, the more chances I have to fill out deduction after deduction.
Mind you, this is all research for work. I don’t expect Freedom Newspapers to pick up the tab for everything I rent, do or buy. The government, on the other hand … well, you know.
My eulogy for Comedy Central’s “Tough Crowd?” A chance to list my cable bill. Phone calls from friends? Phone bill will go to Alan Greenspan. And when I have to buy flowers for forgiveness from women, it’s also a charge to the government for the social implications I’d reveal in an upcoming column.
(I might as well have given my friend a collection from the White House’s rose garden. Of course, I’d have to incur travel expenses, at least until my tax refund came.)
There are all sorts of avenues for me to go with this. When I talk about car drives, that exempts my car payments. Maybe for next year’s returns, I can talk about my apartment and get that written off.
So don’t be surprised if there’s an armored truck coming into Portales at the end of April with my tax refund. I’m not sure what I’ll be spending it on, but you’ll be sure to hear about it. How else will I be able to write it off?
Kevin Wilson is the managing editor of the Portales News-Tribune. He can be reached at 356-4481, ext. 33, or by e-mail: