Ideas I have had for columns

By Bob Huber: PNT columnist

Here at the Bureau of Very Important Essentials, we’re often asked where in the world we get ideas for our columns. So, allow me to come out of the closet today and tell you.

After long, arduous, scholarly hours in front of a computer, I steal them.

Still, that routine has its problems. You see, I scrawl my stolen column ideas on scraps of napkins and toilet tissue — you can tell where I do my research — to remind me later of the whole column. But after a few days when I look back at these brief notes, I can’t recall what the columns were about.

Here are some examples of my brief notes:

• I planted some birdseed, and a bird came up.

• I had Alzheimer’s once, or maybe two or three times. I can’t remember.

• I went to San Francisco and found someone’s heart.

• All I want is a chance to prove that money won’t make me happy.

• If only God would give me a sign, like a Swiss bank account.

• They told me I was too gullible, and I believed them.

• Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car into heavy traffic.

• Experience is what you have left after you mess up your life.

• The good thing about self-centered guys is they seldom talk about other guys.

• A flashlight is a storage container for dead batteries.

• What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

• My weight is perfect for my height, which varies.

• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

• How come we have self-help groups?

• What is a synonym for “synonym?”

• And what’s another word for “Thesaurus?”

• Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

• The speed of time is one day per day.

• How can I be totally partial?

• Is Stalin’s tomb a communist plot?

• If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

• Show me a man with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t put his pants on.

• It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

• Why do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

• If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.

• If the meek did inherit the Earth, how would we defend against Martians?

• Conscience gets a lot of credit for cold feet.

• Conscience is an inner voice that warns us someone may be looking.

• Congratulations! You have reached the Metallic Age — silver in your hair, gold in your teeth, and lead in your rear.

• I don’t want to say I’m old, but my Social Security number is in Roman numerals.

• For birth control I always relied on my personality.

• When a guy brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s usually a reason.

• I don’t spoil women with flowers and gifts. I’m saving that for when I have to resort to bribery.

• You can always spot a new husband — he still smiles at his mother-in-law.

• I don’t want to become your son-in-law. I just want to marry your daughter.

• Beware of the girl next door if you live close to an amusement park.

• A bridegroom is a man who is amazed at the outcome of what he assumed was a harmless little flirtation.

• Which came first, the hammer or the nail?

• I make it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.

• The way to a woman’s heart is through the doors of a fine restaurant.

If you know the stories behind these lead lines, keep them to yourself. Here at the Bureau of Very Important Essentials, we love a mystery.

Bob Huber is a retired journalist living in Portales. He can be contacted at 356-3674.