Bob Huber: Local Columnist
With a new year upon us, it’s time to re-evaluate the rules by which we live. After all, we’re a year older and wiser now, and some of our self-governing moods just don’t apply anymore.
Behind this endeavor is the fact that each new year I sit down and think up new guidelines to live by for the next 365 days. When I was 20, they centered mostly on how to trap yahoos of the opposite sex. By the time I was 70 and had been married 50 years that view changed. I became more interested in hearty breakfast cereals and staying alive.
But after lengthy in-depth research while I smoked a cigar, here are updated canons that will make everyone’s days productive in the coming year, no matter how old you are.
You can use them if you like. Just send cash. No checks please. Here they are:
• Beware of arguments involving religious differences. You may think you’re God, but those around you may not.
• Don’t suffer from insanity. Enjoy every minute of it.
• Work hard. Millions of government employees depend on you.
• You should allow many folks to remain alive, because it’s illegal to kill them.
• If you think you have a handle on life, make sure it isn’t broken.
• No matter how old you are, you can enjoy an active, passionate sex life, provided you have cable or that dish thing.
• Don’t take life too seriously. You won’t get out alive.
• Don’t feel superior if the voices talk only to you.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• If everyone seems to be going crazy, consider the fact that Earth may be the insane asylum for the universe.
• You’re not a complete idiot. Some parts are probably missing.
• Avoid that empty feeling that your stuff may have strutted off without you.
• Make a sign for your door that says, “Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.”
• Try NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning relief.
• God loves stupid persons, but he made too many.
• If your gene pool seems lacking, you may need a little chlorine.
• Do away with wide awake — that annoying time between naps.
• Avoid stopping to think. You may not be able to start again.
• Over the hill is better than being under it.
• Procrastinate, NOW!
• I have a college degree. Do you want fries with that?
• Define hangovers — the wrath of grapes.
• A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a cash advance.
• They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
• He who dies with vast wealth is nevertheless dead.
• A picture may be worth l,000 words, but it uses up a lot more memory on your computer.
• Ham and eggs — a day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
• Recognize that the trouble with life is there’s no background music.
• Smile, as though you know what’s going on.
• It takes hard work to find domestic bliss, but pure satisfaction can come easily from a very dry martini.