Greeting card shopping proves stressful

By Kevin Wilson: Freedom Newspapers Columnist

I had to go to a friend’s wedding recently, and it made me evaluate things in my life — such as, do I have decent prospects for a wedding of my own someday, and do I have decent pants to wear for such an event?

The answers are no, and no. But on a recent payday, I took care of the latter.

I wear 34-34 in jeans, so I purchased slacks with the size of 36-34. I value comfort, and wanted to comfortably tuck in a dress shirt and undershirt.

I should have tested my theory in the dressing room, because 36-34 barely fit me in these slacks when I tried them at home three days before the wedding. Before it was too late, I visited the store again and exchanged for a size 38-34.

When I got to the exchange desk, I found out the bigger slacks had a smaller bill. I walked out with more comfortable pants and $19. Maybe I could use it on a local school’s fund-raiser. Maybe it was meant for a guy on the street looking for his next meal. I knew this $19 could be the tipping point of positive change for a fellow human being.

About three minutes later, I used the money to buy a CD and had about $4 left. A co-worker had a birthday, so I figured the $4 would go toward a birthday card.

I don’t like buying cards because it’s feeding an industry that makes up holidays (I just found out that Sweetest Day was last Saturday).

However, I buy them because women put a lot of stock in receiving cards. That’s why they call the paper “card stock.”

But there are so many cards for specific groups. I saw cards for any relative you could name, cards for those you work with and even cards based on religious beliefs. The late Dr. Seuss would write:

“Cards for your students
and cards for your teachers,
Cards for your bosses, coworkers and preachers
Cards for your nephews,
Cards for your nieces,
Cards for grandparents and those who praise Jesus.”

With all of these choices, I wasn’t sure what to do. As a last result, I followed advice my friend Michelle gave me in high school: When in doubt, buy a kid’s card for an adult.

And that’s what I did. About 15 minutes later, my co-worker received a blue Transformers card, with a note inside saying, “Since I missed your birthday already, I thought I’d use this card to warn you that Michael Bay is currently making a Transformers movie for next summer, so that’s going to be ruined less than a year from now. Sorry.”

I’d tell you about the card I included with the wedding gift, but I’m out of rhyming words.