Things I think I know about women

By Kevin Wilson: FNM columnist

I learn about women every day. But fortunately, I get the Cliff notes once a month.

That’s the time my Esquire magazine comes, and I scan it for a few constant features, “What I’ve Learned” and “Ten Things You Don’t Know About Women.”

The “Ten Things” articles have become basic laws of dating for me. Never take a girl somewhere without a clean restroom, because their bladders are smaller. Always buy a card. And hiding baldness is much less attractive than actually being bald.

This month’s issue had no “Ten Things,” but I’m cool with it because advice columnist Stacy Grenrock Woods gives us a “What I’ve Learned” that fills the gap nicely.

Woods says, “Women aren’t as funny as men. We’re often cleverer, frequently wittier, but to be really funny demands a certain clownishness that our grace judge does not allow. It’s fine, really it is.” My funniest moments are usually my least graceful moments. I usually value that laughs more than self-respect. And it’s fine, really it is.

The Esquire staff added things they think they’ve figured out. Included are:

• Tell her the dress looks great, and she looks beautiful. Don’t tell her the dress looks beautiful, and she looks great.

• “Never, ever even hint at even thinking about poking fun of her in any way whatsoever (around her father). It’s not funny. It will not endear you to him.”

I don’t want to just take and give nothing, so I’m sharing what I’ve picked up as well. Here are five things I think I know about women, based on years of moderate success and burning, white-hot failure. Pass them on, and add your own:

1. If you hear a really, really misogynistic rap song, and a girl dances to it despite the content, you can go ahead and assume the song is referring to her.

2. Be honest, but don’t be … honest. Being honest is, “Those capri pants do not make you look fat.” Being … honest is, “You don’t look fat, but that’s not the issue; wearing capri pants is.”

3. She knows when her friend is cuter. You know when her friend is cuter. But she can never know that you know when her friend is cuter.

4. Put the seat down. This is the most underrated, yet appreciated, thing you can ever do. I put the seat down the first time I was over at the apartment of a friend of a friend during an El Paso visit … and I’d like to think that’s the reason she insists on hanging out every time I’m in town.

5. The phrase, “your hot sister” will end every conversation. And not in a good way. This also applies to conversations with men.

Oh, wait, there is a sixth thing. If you’re a woman I know, don’t worry. I was definitely not talking about you right now.