My turn: Let’s give graduates the truth

By Wendel Sloan: PNT columnist

As local students graduate, I hope commencement speakers will be forthright.

Tell high schoolers they’ll be lucky to make it home from “college night” without having maxed-out their credit cards buying rounds for coeds who won’t remember them the next day.

Explain how hard an 8 a.m. test is when you’ve been praying to the porcelain throne until 6 a.m.

Tell star jocks they’ll get schooled by seventh-year intramural players, cheerleaders that skimpy college uniforms may not fit after they add the “Freshman-15,” and valedictorians that lower-percentile international students will have higher GPAs.

Instead of inspiring college graduates with pie-in-the-sky aspirations, reassure them their parents can still move grandma out from their old bedroom.

Emphasize there is no disgrace in paying off student loans with deep-frying, and that down-sizing dreams from being a Madoff-like stockbroker to being a shift supervisor at a McDonald’s within bicycling distance of Mom and Dad’s could still be super-sized into becoming assistant manager.

To guarantee breaking through the haze of the night before — and to ensure parents never forget where their money went — limit commencement addresses to 10 minutes of hangover jokes, then lead the graduates in a rousing rendition of “Working at the car wash.”