Litigious animal rights groups inhumane

Attorneys for the Extreme Humane Society of the United Suers (X-HSUS) have filed suit in the San Francisco Court of Steals, Deals, Repeals and Conceals against Geico (Government Engineered Insurance Conspirators) for mistreatment, mental anguish and misrepresentation of reptiles.

Conjugal charges involve impersonation of the British (a protected aboriginal group in western European Socialist Republic) and using humor for frivolous purposes.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Sly d’Sieverson, executive director of the X-HSUS. “After we protected the horses, eliminated factory farming, outlawed fishing, interspecies cow milking, aquariums, zoos, circuses, the study of marine biology, farming salmon, shrimping, crabbing, lobstering, and hunting of any kind, reptile protection was the next logical choice.”

According to the Department of Social Intervention, the current generation is only vaguely aware that America once had an abundance of food at modest prices. There were no long lines around the block, no waiting for hours to buy the legally approved organic staples of wheat, beets and leafy spurge. As shortages began, government produce vendors were allowed to count weevils, nematodes and fecal contamination from wild livestock toward the protein content on the label.

When asked about the likelihood that the court would actually agree to hear their case, because it is well known that the lizard in the commercial is not real, Sly replied, “Simple. We have learned from years of experience that it is not the abuse and mistreatment that has furthered our financial and prosecutorial success, it is the ‘illusion’ of abuse and mistreatment!”

OFF THE RECORD

Reporter: “But the lizard isn’t real.”

Sly: “Kids don’t know that. They grow up to be adults that don’t know that.”

Reporter: You’ve sure done a good job of pulling the wool over their eyes, so to speak.”

Sly: “Careful. That joke is illegal under the Animal Defamation Act.”

Reporter: “What’s next?”

Sly: “Off the record? Companion animals. We’ve eliminated personal ownership, dog and cat shows, the Iditarod, greyhound racing, bird or Frisbee retrievers, purebred raising, training for livestock work, security, drug sniffing, helping the blind, the old, the disabled, the selling of any kind of animal for any purpose (Animal Slavery Act). Only alternative oral or topical all-natural treatments are allowed on animals but no physical or medical restraint is permitted during administration. No house breaking, either. No ear, tail, or claw trimming, and no neutering. Reproduction is a natural act.

“It is our conviction that companion animals, as such, should be as free as a mustang, as a bird, as a rodent … as a fire ant. Look how well rats and roaches have done since the elimination of pesticides, insecticides and genetically modified foods! Ours is not to question why, ours is but to do or die!

“Someday, in a perfect world, the only species in cages will be EVIL HUMANS!”