My turn: Ideal church serves pre-game drinks, meal

I am contemplating starting my own church.

Although Roosevelt County’s 30 churches are fairly inclusive, I need the money.

After seeing the lifestyles of televangelists, it seems like a no-brainer (which may describe some).

I know that I will have to start small — probably on the local cable access channel.

Hopefully, with my bell-bottom jeans, petroleum-based disco shirts, raspberry beret and white penny-loafers, some of my sermons will go viral on YouTube.

Church names I’ve kicked around include: “The Church of the Hard Rock,” “The Church Where Social Interaction Is King,” “The Church of the Word Revealed Through Rev. Sloan’s Profound Teenage Poems,” “The Church of the Promise to Dismiss by Kickoff Because It’s 11 a.m. Somewhere,” “The Brokeback Mountain Cowboy Church” and, in a related tribute to Boy George, “The Church of the Poison Mind.”

Our source material will not be limited to one book.

Members, also known as “Well-Rounded Readers,” are free to bring in such works as “Letter to a Christian Nation,” “Blondie Got The Rapture Right” and “Prayers Before Putting” by Rev. Sloan.

To ensure diversity, pre-game drinks and meals will be catered by cousins Bootlegger Sloan and Chef Juandel.

Another cousin, The Anglo Mariachi Cowboy, will direct The Coral Reefer Choir.

Sharing space with Goober’s (required to be closed on Sundays), our Caribbean church bells will serenade Portales with “Wasting Away Again in Gooberville.”