I’m running for president on the Green Tea Party ticket.
Under our platform, adults can grow 150 pounds of medicinal marijuana — and sell leftovers to unfortunate Texans missing green-thumbs.
Back when Three Dog Night was considered heavy, I tried growing grass in east Texas.
Despite the fertile land, success was elusive.
I planted skunk weed deep in the piney woods on a hunter’s property — which prevented me from providing the tender, loving care that Mary Jane needs.
Out of 50 seeds, I only cultivated enough herb for one doobie, brother.
That’s my Texas Tea flashback — now back to my platform for Roosevelt County.
Besides easing migraines, chemotherapy and anxiety disorders, there are many other medicinal uses for puffing the magic dragon.
No appetite? A few roaches turn turkey legs, funnel cakes and cowboy taters into Cattle Baron.
Bored? A little ganja turns local bands at Goober’s into ZZ Top.
Bummed by local shopping? A few hits of giggleweed turn Family Dollar into Dillard’s.
Irritated by Portales’ liberal, elitist snobs? Reefer turns funny-sounding, multi-syllable words into amusing gibberish.
Annoyed by Causey’s three or four old anti-let-it-all-hang-out conservatives? Loco weed turns blah-blah-blahing into nostalgic petting-zoo sounds.
Before shooting the Green Tea Party messenger, remember that we are all grasslands people of the High Plains.
I would highly appreciate your vote — and growing tips.