Quips help holiday mood

Christmas is a time to be jolly with lots of holly by gosh by golly.

What could put us all in a more festive mood than these funny Christmas ponderings I've read or heard recently.

  • "Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas Spirit." — Frank McKinney Hubbard
  • "In the old days it was not called the 'Holiday Season;' the Christians called it Christmas and went to Church, the Jews called it Hanukkah and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank.

People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas' or 'Happy Hanukkah' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall." — Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping

  • Why is Christmas just like work? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
  • "Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." — Richard Lamm
  • Anyone who believes men and women are equal has never watched a man wrap a Christmas present.
  • "Charlie stay away from those things. They're reindeer, you don't know where they've been. They look like they've got key lime disease." — The Santa Clause
  • "Christmas is a race to see which gives out first, your money or your feet." — Anonymous
  • "You'll shoot your eye out kid." — A Christmas Story
  • It's not Christmas without grandma, all the family's dressed in black. And we just can't help but wonder, should we open up her gifts or send them back? — Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
  • What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs? Anything you want, he can't hear you.
  • What is red and white and goes up and down and up and down? Santa Claus stuck in an elevator.
  • How do you know if there is a reindeer in your refrigerator? The hoof prints are in the butter.
  • Sometimes I get the feeling if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, aftershave, too, would not exist.
  • The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts, with purchases little and large. She doesn't believe in Santa Claus … But she believes in Master Charge!
  • "We elves try to stick to the four main food groups, candy, candy cane, candy corn and syrup." — Buddy the Elf

Karl Terry writes for Clovis Media Inc. Contact him at:

karlterry@yucca.net

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