Like most Americans, I am concerned about deficit spending.
Recently, after downing a couple of Great Value strawberry sodas and two Banquet chicken pot pies while watching reruns of "Cops," I was inspired to brainstorm ways to raise revenue without raising taxes.
My sodium-and-sugar-addled ideas include allowing citizens to purchase yearly permits for:
- Driving over the speed limit: $300 for each 10 MPH over on interstates; $25 on farm-to-market roads; and $5 through trailer-park yards of KKK members.
- $500 to post on Facebook that friends are heartless if they do not re-post within three minutes graphics about video-game-wrist syndrome, ingrown-toenail survivors, and children forced to microwave their own popcorn.
- $100 not to be arrested by grammar police for interchanging "effect" and "affect," "stationary" and "stationery," "further" and farther," "to" and "too," and "compliment" and "complement."
- $200 to leave turn signals on for up to 20 miles (50 miles in Texas).
- $1,000 for road rage involving single-digit sign language, mouthing profanity, and throwing bio-degradable fruit; $500 for using bullhorns, pointing water pistols, and screaming at large families in smoking vans to go back where they came from.
- $75 to wear Knight Rider pajamas to Wal-Mart without being posted to Facebook.
- $66 to blame the president for homosexuality and natural disasters; $6 to criticize his wife's hairstyles.
- $40 per vertical foot for weeds in front yards; $20 in back yards ($3 in Clovis and Portales).
- $150 to park abandoned vehicles on front lawns; $75 for operable ones ($5 in Clovis and Portales).
- $15 to spread conspiracy theories that the United Nations is going to confiscate Americans' birth certificates, apple pies, and Hank Williams Jr. hymnals.
- $1,776 to use "Socialist/Communist/Democrat Party" without others smirking.
- $1 million to send unlimited hostile emails to columnists (one free per year).
Contact Wendel Sloan at: