I first thought it was a rattling water pipe and ignored it.
There the noise was again. Maybe it’s the coffee maker?
No, not that either.
Looking out the window I glimpsed a red-headed woodpecker of some type. He was atop a pole in the alley. That’s a good place for a woodpecker.
One morning a few days later the dog and I were in the kitchen making coffee when the noise started again. Having previously identified the source of the hammering noise I was pretty sure this time the little beggar was drilling a hole in the eaves of my house just outside the kitchen window.
I told the dog to “go get the bird.” He looked back at me as if to say, “I haven’t had my coffee yet boss.”
This is the dog that is obsessed with barking at and chasing birds around the yard for endless hours during the day. If he sees a bird way up in a tree, sitting on a line or the TV antenna, he will continue to bark until the bird leaves. A bird hammering on a piece of our home didn’t seem to register.
I took the dog outside and slipped around the corner of the patio and showed him the woodpecker as it flitted away from the house. I explained to him in no uncertain terms that if he planned to keep living under my roof he needed to do a little something to protect that roof from vagrant woodpeckers.
I’m not sure if my threats to the dog touched close enough to home to spur him to action or if the red-headed stepchild just moved on to the next house. Either way I haven’t heard from him since.
I do have a backup plan if he re-enters the picture. Woodpecker assassination.
I’ll get a snorkel and mask, my BB gun and wait half submerged in the hot tub for the little rascal. I’ll go all Navy Seal on his flea-bit tail feathers and he’ll never know what happened.
(Columnist’s note: I won’t really kill a woodpecker with a BB gun, that’s illegal and not politically correct. Besides the people who got onto me for claiming I was going to evict the swallows on my front porch might be reading.)
I actually like birds. I put out water and birdseed for the sweet little darlings. I just want them to quit chewing up my house and pooping on my screen door.
Karl Terry writes for Clovis Media Inc. Contact him at: firstname.lastname@example.org