After incessant primary commercials, golf buddy and former High Plains broadcaster John Kirby, now in Texas, posted, “Whew! I can sleep soundly tonight.
“All the Texas candidates, from both parties, reminded me over and over they are good conservative Christians! I shall rest easy!”
Clovis and Portales were also inundated with the spots.
For the November general election, I hope Kirby can use his connections to get me a consulting job. With Texas conservatives (Baptists) facing Texas liberals (Methodists), I can cement conservatives’ credentials.
Here is my audition script:
(Cue “Flintstones” theme. Cowboy with six-shooters rides animatronic dinosaur above Rio Grande to muddy truck bearing “Texas: Crown of Creationism” bumper sticker and Texas and Confederate flags. Grabs shotgun with “NOBAMA” sticker from gun rack.)
“Howdy, I’m ‘Buckshot’ Hunter, candidate for Texas Attorney General.
“I am a severely Anglo conservative Christian who will fight for putting prayer back in school and taking evolution and health food out.
“Our tots deserve tater tots and Kool-Aid — not nonsense!
“I believe in enforcing the Constitution of the Republic of Texas, boys playing football, girls waving pom-poms, and FFA kids growing Monsanto plots — not legalized pot.
“I believe marriage is between Old-Crow-drinking men and apron-wearing women whipping up their man’s fresh-killed endangered species in the kitchen.
“The only government stamps I support are “Denied” on non-native Texans’ citizenship applications, and the only insurance for freeloaders is ensuring their backs get wet during Rev. Winchester’s baptisms-by-buckshot.”
(Cue “Cat Scratch Fever.” Buckshot empties six-shooters at panicked spring-break rafters below, then blasts double-barrel at donkey wearing “Planned Parenthood” blanket in petting zoo as barefoot kids run toward river.)
“My fellow Baptists, stop the Methodists with Buckshot!”
(Cue “The Eyes of Texas” as elephants play air-trumpets. Fade to Buckshot and Ted Nugent spitfire-roasting donkey under fireworks bursting into Texas flag.)
(Texas-twang voiceover) “Paid for by Texas Militias Preserving Exceptionalism by Buckshotting Naturally Tanned Voters.”
Contact Wendel Sloan at