April 14, 2008

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

• The Dalai Lama arrived in Seattle on Thursday to begin a 13-day tour of the United States. He’ll discuss the crisis in Tibet. It was originally scheduled to be a three-day tour of the United States, but his travel agent booked him on American.
   
• The Olympic torch relay was in Buenos Aires on Friday after angry street protests shut down three major world cities. It’s a shame. The protests take the focus away from what the games are supposed to be all about, taking illegal drugs to win medals.
   
• Prince William received his pilot’s wings in the Royal Air Force on Friday. He has served in the army and air force and next is the navy. It’s part of his training to be king, unlike in the Bush family where they spend 15 minutes with Billy Graham.
   
• Pope Benedict chose not to attend a White House dinner in his honor Wednesday night. Roman Catholic leaders nationwide made plans to be at the dinner hoping to see him, but he had other plans. He’s going to Indiana to wash the feet of Barack Obama.
   
• Pope Benedict is holding a mass at Yankee Stadium Saturday with 50,000 Roman Catholics. It won’t just be communion and a sermon. He’ll also be baptizing infants with holy oil, but at $107 a barrel, what oil isn’t?
   
• The New York Yankees learned Friday they were sabotaged by a construction worker who buried a Red Sox jersey in their new stadium’s concrete base. It was a jinx. It has already brought bad luck to the mob witness who was wearing the Red Sox jersey.
   
• President Bush was accused Friday of hoarding oil in the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. He is purchasing 100,000 barrels of oil a day while oil is at its highest price in history. His mother raised him not to show off and he has never let her down.
   
• Cindy McCain told Access Hollywood on Friday she was addicted to painkillers. The pretty blonde was a rodeo queen and heiress to a huge Phoenix beer distributorship. If John McCain cheated on her with a lobbyist, he missed his calling as a kamikaze pilot.
   
• Bill Clinton was ripped Friday after House auditors revealed his taxpayer-paid office expenses. He has run up a $400,000 phone bill since he left office. It never occurred to Congress to block all 900 numbers for ex-presidents.
   
• Hillary Clinton vowed in Philadelphia on Friday she will repeal the mandatory five-year prison sentence for crack cocaine users. What a clever ploy. She wants to trick Barack Obama’s supporters into thinking that all will be forgiven when she wins.

• Major League Baseball owners and players came to a labor agreement on steroids penalties Friday. It gives everyone who was named in the Mitchell Report amnesty. No team can afford to lose their shortstop just because he’s in the country illegally.

• The Labor Department said Friday thousands of illegal immigrants are returning to Mexico due to the construction slump. Not everyone’s happy. With Mexicans going home and Charlton Heston gone it’s practically impossible to get your ceiling painted.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact him at:

argus@argushamilton.com