My candidate is better than yours
Published: Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
Primaries are coming up pretty soon, and I think it’s time I let you down gently. Voters just aren’t going to back your candidate, and I think it’s time you came on board with me and my candidate. I know you’ll defend your candidate with all you are, but it’s simply not enough when the facts are on my side. Your candidate is paid for by special interests. My candidate knows the only way to compete in this field is to take some special interest money, but make every effort to end such nasty campaigning necessities once their administration runs things. Your candidate has a history of lawlessness, with indictments and scandals following them everywhere. My candidate has been the target of partisan witchhunts, and has come out stronger every time. Your candidate’s health care plan sounds a lot like my candidate’s, except there’s no realistic way to pay for it. My candidate has a broad-based health care plan, with the campaign Web site telling you how it will be funded. Your candidate’s spouse has been nothing but an unnecessary interruption, and I’m afraid voters will think they’ll really be the one in charge at the White House. My candidate’s spouse has shown courage and leadership in limited media appearances, and only shows what a great choice my candidate has in spouses. Your candidate loves to skip out on debates, because they’ve got to go fund-raise. My candidate knows the best way to earn votes is to talk to people directly, not behind some podium every other week for a watered-down Q&A session. Your candidate’s grasp on the issues is limited to talking points the party e-mails them each morning. My candidate is fully prepared for interviews, and uses carefully-framed rebuttals to keep everybody on message. Your candidate’s career as a policy-maker includes grandstanding and policies that, I’m sorry to say, have never panned out. My candidate believes good government doesn’t have to be bogged down in policy, and their limited policy failures can be blamed on the obstructionists in the opposition party. Your candidate is afraid of talking to any media source they deem as impartial, so I’m not sure how they’re going to find the bravery to work with world leaders and combat terrorism. My candidate believes in intelligent discourse, and knows they won’t be able to get it from those agenda-driven media outlets. Your candidate likes to downplay the credentials of those with military service, but couldn’t be found when it was their duty to serve in the military. My candidate found other ways to serve the nation, and has nothing but respect for the men and women in uniform. Your candidate couldn’t get an endorsement from a business owned by their parents. My candidate has voters who know the issues, and they won’t be swayed by some corporation just handing out endorsements. Your candidate has hero worship from you because of empty promises, applause lines created with focus groups and couldn’t possibly win the election, based on what the polls say. My candidate is respected for brilliant ideas, flawless selling points and is a lock to win this election. Just don’t believe what the polls say.
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