Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD - God bless America, and how's everybody?

    • Archbishop Desmond Tutu said Wednesday he agrees with Barack  Obama's minister Jeremiah Wright's sermons which denounce America.  Here we go again. If Barack Obama has to distance himself from one  more minister he's going to be the next president of Israel.     
• Chicago Cubs owner Sam Zell on Tuesday rejected an offer by  Illinois to buy Wrigley Field to keep him from renaming the fabled  ballpark for a fee. The Cubs have gone a hundred years without  winning there. Who wants to name a stadium after the Iraq War?     
• John McCain was invited to make a guest appearance on  Saturday Night Live this weekend. It's to give the program balance.  The show already has a Hillary Clinton impersonator and a Barack  Obama impersonator and they needed a Republican impersonator.     
• Democrats shocked Republicans by winning a GOP congressional  seat in Mississippi on Tuesday. It's the third safe seat the  Republicans lost this year. President Bush has become so toxic  that the Russian Security Services just named a tea bag after him.     
• Barbara Walters confessed she had simultaneous affairs with  a married black U.S. senator, the Bear Stearns chairman, and Alan  Greenspan thirty years ago. This was the Seventies. Everybody  wanted to look like they were doing cocaine even if they weren't.     
• Drew Barrymore was victim of a hit-and-run in Los Angeles  Monday. People think that tailgating helps gas mileage. Drivers  are following each other so closely on the freeway that committed  relationships are forming between Priuses and Range Rovers.     
• The Interior Department placed the polar bear on the  Endangered Species List, citing the break-up of the ice shelf in  Alaska. It could be curtains for the once feared giant white  beast. Hillary Clinton's base of support is in trouble everywhere.     
• Chelsea Clinton campaigned in Puerto Rico for her mom  Wednesday. She wanted to hold an event on a Navy bombing range but  they wouldn't allow it. Chelsea would look out of place addressing  a rally in a replica of downtown Tehran without a head scarf.     
• Hillary Clinton told CNN Wednesday if she doesn't get the  nomination she will tell her voters it would be a grave mistake to  vote for John McCain. It sounded sincere. Up until that moment,  Meryl Streep was considered America's leading actress.     
• McDonald's gave out free fried chicken sandwiches on  Thursday and Dunkin Donuts gave away free coffee. It's just like  clockwork. Every Bush presidency begins with a vow to bring Saddam  Hussein to justice and ends with people lining up for free food.     
• President Bush spoke to Israel's parliament Thursday and  vowed the United States will pursue democracy all across the  Middle East. He declared that America is truly committed. That's  another way of saying our policy should be in a straitjacket.     
• President Bush telephoned China's President Hu Jintao and  offered to provide aid and disaster assistance for earthquake  victims. It's about time. Conservatives have been waiting a long  time for President Bush to do something that will stop China.     
• Senator Arlen Specter accused NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell  of covering up the New England Patriots Spygate scandal Wednesday.  He said the commissioner destroyed notes and tapes and selectively  interviewed witnesses. If the senator had been this mad about warrantless  wiretapping, Eliot Spitzer would still be governor of New York.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in  Hollywood. He can be reached by e-mail at  argus@argushamilton.com.